


It does hurt

by Jimin



Category: B.A.P, K-pop
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-15
Updated: 2013-05-15
Packaged: 2017-12-12 00:06:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/804819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jimin/pseuds/Jimin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>‘It doesn’t hurt.’ He always said.  He used to.</p><p>I lifted my eyes up to see the priest finish his speech and caught his mother crying in her husband’s arms. The woman couldn’t stop crying and she has been for the past two hours. Her face looked like she would fall apart any second and her legs have already been<br/>failing her. </p><p>“Choi Junhong, rest in peace,” the priest said and Junhong’s mother fell down on the ground. It didn’t help it was raining over us. She started to yell and beg for him to get back and say all this is a joke. She looked broken and that was just the way I felt on the inside.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Warmth

**Author's Note:**

> \- another work i'm bringing here that have been posted before.
> 
> \- this is all to personal for me, but writing this had helped me to overcome a part of my issues and to see that there are people who care and are nice enough to help was a really great experience.

The first time I caught him having scars they looked old and I didn’t want him to know I take a good look at him while he’s in the shower in our practise building.  They looked at least a month old but the pink stripes were visible on his pale skin. He sang in the shower. No, he rapped. He was having fun and even told me to sing with him. I did. It didn’t matter we were naked in the shower; we were both men it shouldn’t be awkward and Junhong was happy, he was so happy.

 

The second time I saw his scars I saw them just as he made them. He was in the bathroom, sitting on the floor, cutting his thighs. He hasn’t even got the chance to react before I locked the doors behind myself and took the razor from him.

 

“What are you doing, Junhong?” I asked trying to be as calm as possible. I saw the pain in his eyes and he was about to pull his pants up, over the bleeding cuts. “Stop it,” I said and pulled them back off. He listened but only because he saw me reaching for the medical kit in the cabinet, or maybe he was afraid I would yell at him, tell the manager or his parents.

 

He didn’t look at me while I cleaned his cuts; he didn’t even flinch at the alcohol the gauze was dipped in. I tried to be as gentle as possible and didn’t apply to much pressure on the wounds but he was bleeding and I couldn’t watch him hurt, no I couldn’t.

 

The worst part about it was the cut he made on the inside of his thigh. It went from above his knee to just below his crotch. I tried to clean it but he wiggled around too much and there was someone banging on the doors.

 

“Yongguk hyung,” Youngjae called, “can I use the bathroom please?” He said in his pleading voice and knocked twice more.

 

“Grab your stuff,” I told Junhong and helped him up, cringing when he winced at his pants material rubbing over his cut skin. In that time I focused on throwing the used tissues and gauze away, and picking his razors up and the rest of the medical equipment.

 

When I opened the doors Youngjae raised his brow at us but just as I was about to make an excuse he pushed his way inside the bathroom saying: “I don’t even care.”

 

Junhong still had his head down and I had to drag him to the bedroom, tell him to take off his pants when I locked the doors, but not before telling the rest of the guys to go grab us some dinner and that I had to talk to Junhong. They all left and Junhong looked more uncomfortable than ever before.

 

I kneeled next to him on the bed. He was trying to cover his scars with his shirt but I took his hands in mine and intertwined out fingers pulling him against my chest.  “Would it help if I yelled at you?” I asked and he just simply shook his head against my chest. I took a deep breath before moving him away.

 

He started crying at this point and I brushed his tears away saying its fine and that I won’t tell anyone. He nodded once and lifted his head to look me in the eyes. His teary eyes said so much. I couldn’t believe I didn’t notice he was sad. I couldn’t believe I didn’t notice the darkness in his eyes.  I couldn’t do much so I just smiled stroking his cheek once more and said, “Let’s get you cleaned up, ok?”

 

He said _yes_ to me cleaning his cuts, but _no_ to the shower. “It burns under hot water and I could get sick,” his voice sounded so washed out, flat. He sounded like he was going to break down in any moment and I had to do something about it. “Fine, I’ll just clean these up and bandage them so you can sleep later.”

 

He barely nodded at that and sat against the headboard of my bed. His body looked so fragile in this position.  

 

I tried my best to clean his wounds but the fact that I was touching his inner thighs was making both, me and him uncomfortable. He kept squirming and I had almost palmed his cock how close I was. “Junhong,” I said trying to sound comforting and not annoyed, “I know this is really uncomfortable. It’s as much for you as it is for me, so could you please stop moving and we’ll be dome sooner?” I tried to make him stop by putting my hand flat over his unscarred leg.

 

He smiled a bit, only the corners of his lips curving upwards, “But I like it hyung,” he said and lowered his head. “I like the way you touch me hyung. I feel like I worth something when you touch me. Not just like this,” he said and lifted his eyes to meet mine. He smiled a bit before continuing. “I don’t want you to think I’m getting turned on by you now. I like it when you hold my hand hyung. I like when you hug me. Because you feel so warm and I want to be warm like you, I want that warmness to come on me from you,” he smiled again, warmer this time.

 

I must have looked weirdly at him because he was moving away from me. “I’m sorry, hyung. Please don’t be mad at me. I’m not trying to confess I just-” I stopped him. I couldn’t listen to him apologizing for nothing. “It’s ok, Junhong-ah. It’s really ok,” I said and placed both of my hands on his cheeks. “And even if you were confessing I wouldn’t mind,” I said and kissed his forehead.

 

I rested my head on top of his for a moment before he sneaked his hands around me, pulling me closer to his body. “You’re really nice,” he said and I lowered my head to look at him. He was smiling, not the fake one he sometimes pulled out when we were in public but the genuine big toothy smile of his.

 

I saw him nestling quite comfortably against my chest and shook him a bit. “Hey, don’t fall asleep yet. I have to clean your cuts first.”

 

He just giggled and moved away lifting his leg up to let me clean it up better.

 

He tried so hard not to move and I could see him clenching his fist in the sheet. He was probably trying not to get a boner from me touching his inner thigh, just on inch beneath his cock. “I won’t mind if you get a hard on, Junhong-ah,” I said and he got surprised by my words. He asked a quiet ‘ _Really?’_ and I nodded my head.  He got much more relaxed after that and let the sheet go.

 

He didn’t get a hard on but soft moans have slipped past his lips a couple of times. He flushed after the first one but I only smiled at him and continued what I was doing. The next time I touched him and he moaned he unconsciously reached out for my hand. Once it was there he told me not to move and to come closer. I did, a bit scared of what he was planning to do, I moved so close there was only about an inch of space between us. He smiled at me and kissed my cheek. “Thank you,” he said and lifted his hand from mine to my cheek. “I’m really lucky you’re here hyung,” he said and stroked my cheek. “Thank you,” he repeated.

 

I smiled at him back. He told me to finish up so he can get dressed and asked if there was anything to eat in the dorm. I told him about the rest of the members and he nodded his head.

 

I was done with putting bandages on him and we were now sitting in the living room, waiting for the rest of the members to come back. I have taken Junhong’s feet in my lap to massage them just to give him some distraction from his cuts believing they still hurt even if he said it is fine.  He liked it but he was quite ticklish on his feet and I used that to make him giggle from time to time.

 

His eyes were getting heavy and I saw his head fall down a couple of times. I was about to tell him to just go to bed but the rest of the members piled up with food and he looked a lot less sleepy once he saw the food.

 

That night we all laughed together. We ate like pigs and had a decent laugh with one another.  Junhong laughed a lot too, and I couldn’t help but laugh when he did. He even made jokes, lame ones but still made us laugh.

 

When the food was gone and all the drinks we had, Junhong’s head fell on my shoulder and I just smiled hooking my arms below his arms, placing them over my shoulders to pick him up. He wrapped his legs around my hips and rested his head against the nape of my neck. I was about to put him in his bed but he whispered softly against my neck _‘I want to sleep in your arms hyung’_  and I decided it would be the best if I put him on my bed. He could sleep there and the sheets smelled like me so if he’s cuddled up in the sheets tight enough, he won’t notice it’s not me.

 

When I stepped out the rest of the guys were in putting away the dishes. I couldn’t help but notice the look Youngjae was giving to me. I tried to ignore it and just continued washing the dishes but he sat on the counter next to me and closed the water. “You don’t have to do this,” he said and looked me in the eyes.  “I do, Jongup is almost asleep over there,” I said and pointed at the half asleep boy resting his head against Himchan.

 

Youngjae didn’t look happy with the answer. “I don’t mean the dishes hyung,” he said a bit annoyed.

 

I turned the water back on and started washing the last plate. “You don’t have to keep secrets from us, we can help,” he said and jumped of the counter. I wanted to answer but he shook his head, “No. I know it’s about Junhong, tell me if he wants,” he said and disappeared in the bathroom.

 

I didn’t do much after it. I tried watching the movie with Himchan and now sleeping Jongup but I couldn’t focus on it. After the movie ended Himchan said he’ll go to bed and lifted Jongup in his arms, allowing the younger to snuggle against his chest. “Let’s go Jonguppie,” he said against the younger’s hair, “it’s more comfortable if you sleep in bed,”

 

I watched their interaction. I watched how Jongup snuggled against Himchan when he heard his voice. How he wrapped his legs around Himchan jumping in his arms and how mumbled something to the elder. They seemed so natural at this, like a cat and its kittens. Himchan was the mother cat and Jongup was the kitten the mother wanted to carry to safety, though their safety was Himchan’s bed.

 

 

I didn’t go to sleep that night. I couldn’t bring myself to sleep and the thought of Junhong hurting himself was bothering me.

 

“Hyung,” I could hear a soft voice call from the bedroom doors. “Come to bed,” he said and stepped out. He was limping a bit on his right leg and I quickly ran up to him to stop him from walking. He just smiled at me. “Come to bed hyung, I’m cold,” his voice was soft and he was too. His skin against mine seemed like silk and the way he tried to nuzzle against me even though he was taller was incredibly cute.

 

“Please come to bed,” he said against my neck and I nodded. I turned the lights off while he made his way back in the bedroom.

 

He was wearing only his shirt and I noticed it when in snuggled up with him in my bed. It wasn’t cold like he said it was. It was too damn hot in this bed and I felt like we might fell off but I didn’t complain because Junhong was snuggling against my chest, face buried against my neck, fingers intertwined and legs curled up in mine.

 

He said a soft _‘goodnight’_ and fell asleep. 


	2. Blood

After the 'incident', as I liked to call it now things were going better with Junhong. Junhong and I have become much closer. He would talk to me a lot and would look for me when he would feel the need to cut. He would usually look for me and drag me to either bathroom or the balcony. He said those two places were the coldest and he wanted me to hug him so he can feel my warmth. I even went as far to kiss his forehead so he could fall asleep easier.

 

But today things have gone the different direction and Junhong snapped at me. He yelled and even threw a glass at me. We were alone in the dorm and he was getting out of control, fast.  He ran for the bathroom hoping to find the razors we kept in the bottom drawer but I had moved them and he got mad. He pulled the drawer out and threw it at the mirror.

 

From my place behind the locked doors I could only hear his sobs and the mirror shatter, but I knew that there was a sadistic smile on Junhong’s lips when he saw the sharp mirror shards he couldn’t, not smile at them because they meant he got a way out of this, and it might not be the cleanest and the painless one but he _had_ a way out.

 

“Junhong-ah!” I yelled at the doors, banging loudly at them. “Junhong don’t do this, please,” I said resting my head against the wood. I could try to stop him but it wouldn’t really do anything. He was stubborn; he wouldn’t let you tell him what he can and what he cannot only if it wasn’t legally forbidden. And on top of that he was mad and lonely, sad even. He couldn’t think straight now and he was doing the worst thing he could do at this moment. “Junhong, please don’t,” I said against the wooden surface of the doors again hoping he would hear me over his sobs.

 

His sobbing on the other side of the doors stopped for a second. He probably thought I didn’t hear it but I did and it was him hesitating. He hesitated and that was the thing I needed, I needed him to question himself.

 

I pulled the spare key from my pocket and aligned it with the keyhole waiting for him to make some sort of a sound so I could get in without being noticed first and him panicking.

 

He soon answered to me. His voice sounded broken, like someone was pulling him in different directions and he didn’t get a choice in this. “Hyung,” he said, a hiss following the words, “it doesn’t hurt,” It broke me. How could he say it? How could he think I would believe him?

 

“Junhong-ah, let me help you,” I said pushing the key inside. “You said you like how warm I am. Please let me hold you again,” I turned it but hesitated to open the doors.

 

In the time we had spent together I got comfortable around Junhong, maybe too comfortable. He would always come to my bed when the rest of the members fell asleep. We would snuggle against me and say how amazingly warm I am. He would intertwine our fingers because it would help him fall asleep. He would kiss my neck when I had trouble sleeping and when I had to wake up because he couldn’t escape my grip. I liked those kisses; I liked them too much maybe. They tingled and felt like feathers against my skin.

 

“You’re not warm enough,” he said and broke me out of my trance. _Not warm enough?_ “Junhong,” I whined and turned the doorknob. “Please don’t,” I said looking at his teary eyes. His face was stained from crying and his lips were bleeding from biting on them. “Don’t,” I repeated and lowered my gaze at his bleeding wrist, “please, I-“I cut myself mid-sentence noticing the cut wasn’t that deep but it bleed.

 

He noticed I wasn’t finished and looked up at me with his big pouty eyes, anticipating. “You, what?” he said and wiped off the blood of his wrist to his shirt. I didn’t continue. I couldn’t. How would he react to ‘ _I love you’_ in this situation? “Hyung?” he sounded annoyed.

 

“I like you,” I blurted out and he was taken aback. “I like you no matter the fact you’re scared or what you do to yourself. I like you, Junhong-ah. So please don’t ever say no one likes you because I am a living example of the opposite.”

 

His lips curved upwards. “That’s not what you wanted to say, hyung,” he said and stood up. He was wearing only his shirt and it wasn’t one of those bigger ones. No, even worse, it was my shirt.

 

I gulped when he got closer; the pouty look replaced with the mocking one. I felt like a prey under his gaze and took a step back. He grinned at that, the grin wasn’t like the ones he would usually give me; this one looked like he was intended to kill me. Even his eyes, he looked like a mad man.

 

“Junhong-ah, what are you doing?” I sounded scared, and I must have looked scared because he was soon retreating and was stepping on the mirror shards just to get back. “I’m sorry hyung,” he said quickly, hiding his hand behind himself. He was back to normal now, but the blood still dripped from his wrist.

 

“Sorry, sorry,” he repeated over and over, hands over his head and body slipping down the wall to the glass shattered floor. “I didn’t mean it hyung. I’m so sorry,” he said again, voice cracking and tears running down his face. His body trembled and for a moment I couldn’t move, I couldn’t talk, I just stared at him crying his heart out on the bathroom floor. I watched him crumble and did nothing to help him.

 

I snapped out of my trance quickly though, and ran to his side. My head felt dizzy at the sight of his blood but I tried my best not let it affect me. “Junhong-ah,” I said trying to sound as soft as possible. The scent of his blood filled my nostrils once I crouched next to him. “We need to get you cleaned up,” I said and took his cut wrist in my palm, droplets of warm blood dripped on my hand. The feeling of them rolling over my skin made my mind lose Junhong from focus for another moment.

 

“Hyung,” his soft voice brought me back and I smiled at him. I felt weird, the blood made my heart race and my mind to lose focus and I couldn’t pinpoint why. “Come on, let’s put you in some warm water and wash you,” I said and wrapped my arms around Junhong’s waist, picking him up like a child. He had his bleeding hand on my shoulder, gaze fixed on it. A drop of blood fell on my shoulder and soaked in the shirt; reaching my skin after a moment and making me shiver. I was getting turned on by this.

 

“Come on, take your shirt off while I fill the tub,” I said and lowered Junhong on the toilet seat, fearing he couldn’t stand on his feet in this state. He half-smiled and tugged at the hem of his—my shirt lifting the fabric up, revealing scars over his ribs and chest. They looked fresh.

 

“Don’t say it,” he said as I opened my mouth to ask about those, ask why he didn’t tell me he didn’t stop cutting himself. “I just couldn’t bear it.” He wrapped his arms around his chest and stared at me, his eyes begging me not to say anything.

 

And I didn’t, I filled the tub with the water and lowered Junhong in it, plucking a piece of glass from his leg. He didn’t talk much after it, just lied in the water and held his cut hand out for me to put bandages over it. It got weird once I was faced with the blood again but this time I didn’t stop myself from staring and from sniffling. It smelled nice, I guess. It smelled sweet and I had a sudden urge to taste it.

 

“Iron and something sweet,” Junhong said and I had to shift my gaze from his wrist to his face. His eyes were still closed and he was almost completely submerged in water.

 

“What?” I ask after a moment and he sits up, water rolling down his chest, over the bumpy skin of the scars. He hesitates for a second or two and I use them to take a proper look at his body. It’s still as nice as it was the first time I saw it, even with the scars, I liked it. I liked how his scars made his skin less flat, giving it some dimension, lifting it up and marking it.

 

“Blood, it tastes like iron and something sweet,” he said slowly, reaching over to grab the towel and placed it over his face, lying back down in the tub. “Could you finish the bandages, please?”

 

I was startled by the words for a moment but complied and finished what he asked me to do. The last piece of gauze was tightly wrapped around Junhong’s wrist and I was about to tell Junhong to leave the tub so I can help him dress up but I enjoyed the view a bit too much.

 

Junhong’s long legs were arched up, because of the lacking space, his thighs looked so good, and the scars, oh they were way too visible and I got the sudden urge to bite on them. And the urge just grew as my eyes continued to scan Junhong’s body, not fixating on the thick organ between Junhong’s thighs but the faint scars on his hips. They looked at least one or maybe even two months old but I still found them as appealing as the ones only a week old.

 

My mouth watered at his chest brimming with scars, only a week or two old. The rosy skin looked delicious and I was starting to think about just jumping in the tub and ravage the younger but there was still a sane piece of me and I decided not to.

 

“What are you doing?” Junhong’s voice broke me from staring and I looked over at his face, only to meet Junhong’s worried eyes and the towel being thrown over his chest.

 

I took my time to answer. I couldn’t simply say I was staring at his body thinking how good his skin must have tasted. He would probably think I’m some kind of a paedophile, or even worse, that I had mental issues.

 

“Nothing,” I said quickly and turned to the towel rack taking one of the towels off of it. “Come on, you’re going to get sick if you stay too long in the water, and it’s getting colder,” I held the towel up so I could easily wrap it around his body once he stood up but he seemed to have trouble standing up.

 

His legs wobbled and he couldn’t use his left hand to support himself and he just stayed sitting in the tub. “Can you please help me?” he asked and lowered his head, he must have been embarrassed by this because he was naked and I was about to touch him.

 

“Yeah,” I simply answered and set the towel aside before hooking my hands below Junhong’s arms and lifting him up. He was incredibly light and I just now noticed how bony his body was. He must have lost weight in the past few months.

 

I lifted him up and allowed him to lean over my body before wrapping the towel around his body. I’m not even sure why but I started to stroke his back, slowly and gently. At first I only did it over his back, but my hands soon found their way lower and his perky ass was in my palms, receiving gentle squeezes. I half hoped he would push me away, yell at me, and tell me I’m sick for even touching him, but he never did. He only leaned over my body harder and slowly started to release soft moans once in a while.

 

It felt so surreal, his body was so soft once I dropped the towel and allowed myself to touch him properly. The soft skin of his lower back and his squishy bum were things I learned to love that day. But that wasn’t all I learned to love that day, no. I learned to love so much more. And I did that the moment I brought his body to our bedroom and placed it on my bed, slowly climbing over it.

 

At first it seemed awkward and he tried to cover himself. He must have thought he looked ugly with all those scars, but I managed to tell him other way. I managed to make him release the sheets he started to pull over his body, I managed to make him open his eyes and look at me.

 

The look he gave me was something I never expected to receive from him. The look full of love, full of lust directed only to me brought me over the edge and I lowered my head to meet his lips in a chaste, slow kiss.

 

I hesitated at first. I didn’t know if he’d like this, if he’d agree on this, but the moment he kissed back I decided I didn’t really care.

 

 


	3. Skin

His eyes didn’t give out much – not only because they were hidden by his palm, but because he kept them shut, tightly. I didn’t mind it though, I had what I wanted most just below me and I could restrain myself form devouring the skin on his body. The skin that looked so beautiful, so soft and so tasty.

 

I was about to trace out the muscles of his chest when he spoke. It was merely a whisper and I almost missed it next to the sound of my heart banging in my chest.

 

“Don’t hurt me,” he said and looked up at me, eyes looking for mine, looking for something I thought I was incapable of giving.

 

I didn’t say anything. I knew I couldn’t lie to him right now, so I just nodded lightly and gave him a small, almost fake smile.

 

He returned one back, but bigger, much more genuine. A smile that said he trusted me with his body, a smile that said that he might actually feel something for me but it’s buried so deep beneath all the pain he feels and he’s afraid he’ll never find it.  Most of all, a smile that made me feel like shit and made me want to stop all I was planning to do.

 

I took my time in taking in all of his body. Allowed myself to properly touch and feel the skin of Junhong’s body; allowed myself to take in the amazing feeling of Junhong’s scars. The wrinkly skin that felt like silk, and that made me shiver once my lips were over it.

 

Junhong got the same effect, I think. He would shiver when I’d kiss the bigger scars on his chest, the ones that looked the oldest, and the ones that rose up like mountains once you lied your head on Junhong’s chest. The thought of Junhong making them made my cock stiff in my pants, just thinking of him trying to cut his skin while he’s hands trembled and he must have cut too deep, and there was surely lots of blood. There was probably blood all over the bathroom and he must have stayed up the whole night just to clean it.

 

“Hyung,” Junhong’s voice brings me back to present and to him. He looks a tad bit scared and I ask if something’s wrong, to which he answers “You were spacing out.” And I can’t bring myself to look him in the eyes because how will I ever explain I have a thing for his skin, more over a thing for his scars.

 

“I’m sorry,” I finally say, breaking the awkward silence that crawled between us. “I just don’t think this is the right thing to do now. I’m sorry.”

 

He looks hurt by my words. Hand is reaching for the sheet I previously took away from him, covering that precious skin from me. In the second moment he’s sitting up, making me fall onto the bed, not landing on his soft tummy. I can hear his small steps and how he’s trying not to fall, sheet tangled in his feet. He’s about to open the doors when I finally come back to my senses and jump up from the bed to stop him from leaving.

 

“I’m sorry, I thought about... sex,” I say, blushing for an unknown reason. “You’re still hurt, so stay, let me cuddle you,” I make out, trying not to sputter, much.

 

He blushes, he fucking blushes at that and lets go of the doorknob he’s been holding, gripping at. He slowly makes his way back to the bed, and if I wasn’t messed up enough I’d think of this as the lamest porn ever, but I was fucked up and I really just wanted to touch that skin.

 

He sat down on the bed and looked over at me, eyes avoiding mine. “Could you, please, give me some underwear? I’m a bit cold,” he says in that soft timid voice that made him seem like the cutest little thing in the world but made him the fuckable at the same time – if that even made any sense.

 

“Yeah, sure. Do you want me to give you some pj’s too?”

 

He laughed at that, shook his head in a cute manner and lifted the sheets from his body to put on the baby blue underwear I’ve thrown at him.

 

“Come here,” Junhong lifts the sheet and lies underneath it patting the space next to him, “you can make me warm.”

 

He even smiles a bit then and I’m all but running inside the sheets next to him. I slowly make my way inside the sheets next to him, slowly wrapping my arm around his frame and pulling him a bit closer. He takes the lead then and nuzzles against my neck, his hair tickling my nose.

 

“So warm,” he murmurs against my skin. His hot breath is making me shiver and the hands that are slowly creeping inside my shirt.

 

His hands are soon completely inside my shirt, slowly caressing every patch of skin they can reach. It feels good, incredibly good.

 

“Junhong-ah,” I moan out and he lifts his head up, blinking innocently at me. “I thought we agreed we won’t hav–“

 

He shakes his head, “I don’t want sex, hyung. I just want to cuddle you.”

 

His hands are making their way down my chest onto my stomach, making the muscles on it clench. It feels incredible, and with every dip of his fingers further into the flesh I can feel myself getting harder.

 

I wish there wasn’t this urge in me that wanted to push Junhong against the mattress, bite on his skin and feel the texture of it. The urge that made me want to feel the scars on Junhong; the one that made me feel disguised with myself.

 

I already had my hands on his hips, my head was tipped back. I enjoyed the treatment I got. Junhong’s soft fingers softly grazing against my skin and his breath ghosting over it.

 

“J-Junhong-ah,” I grunt and push him away, “don’t.”

 

He looks confused for a moment before he’s retracting his hands away. He sits next to me on the edge of the bed, elbows resting over his knees and his face buried in his palms.

 

I get scared now; he’s at the verge of crying. It wouldn’t be easy to calm him down once he starts crying, I already experienced that.

 

Instead of saying anything I sit up too, wrap myself around him and pull him into a tight embrace. He fights it at first, he pushes me away; his nails dig into my skin breaking it.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” I repeat to him over and over again. It doesn’t stop him from crying though, but he stops fighting against me and allows me to properly hold him.

 

“Hyung,” he speaks after long silence.

 

The silence was comfortable around Junhong. He never moved when he wanted to be silent. He wouldn’t make a move, he would just sit there limp, like a dead man.

 

“I’m also sorry.” His words are silent, barely audible but I hear them because he turned his face towards mine and had rested his chin on my shoulder, lips had pressed against my skin while he said the words.

 

“I’m sorry for not being the person I introduced myself to be.” His lips are on my skin again and his warm breath is giving me Goosebumps. “I’m sorry for disappointing you.” He breathes in, pulls away slightly and kisses my lips.

 

The kiss is innocent, barely there. His lips lightly graze over mine and before I get used to the feeling he pulls away, looks me deep in the eyes and says:

 

“I’m sorry you’re going to have to go through it all but I can’t find a different solution. I tired, I tried really hard.” A tear slips down his cheek but he’s quick to wipe it off. “I want you to tell everyone that I’m sorry and that I didn’t mean to be like this. I was supposed to make you all happy, make you laugh.

 

I can’t and I’m really sorry. You should tell Himchanie hyung I’m not mad about him hitting me that one time. I needed it, no, I deserved it. I was a brat at that time. I pretended I was more than I am. I shouldn’t have, I know that now.”

 

“Junhong-ah you know Himchan regretted it.” I tried to interrupt but he placed a finger over my lips and shushed me.

 

“It’s not about that, hyung. It’s about me being unable to become a person I was supposed to be. I shouldn’t have taken this place. It’s not fit for a person like me. It’s not something I could do. And before you interrupt, I tried hyung, I tried really hard but I’m incapable.”

 

I stare at him in disbelief. I don’t understand what he’s saying and why is he saying it.

 

After a moment he lifts himself from the bed and climbs up on his own, says a silent ‘ _goodnight, hyung_ ’ and falls asleep.

 

I’m left dumbfounded on my bed, tangled in sheets with Junhong’s smell all over me.

 

He was planning on doing something I couldn’t stop, and the worst part of it was that part of me somehow wanted it.

 

 


	4. Mine

 

He was happy. His smile was wide, genuine. But I could see trough that mask.

 

Junhong never liked packed schedules; he never drank milk in the morning; he never sat in the back of the car when we drove to the practice room; he never talked to us in the car. But right now he was doing all of that.

 

He kept nagging Himchan to buy him sweets and he kept jumping around with Jongup. The two were so much more hyper than they ever were.

 

"Let’s do the routine once again," he said and pulled Jongup back onto his feet.

 

The younger slumped back onto the floor and groaned. "I can't anymore. Everything hurts."

 

Junhong pouts at him but doesn't persist. He instead walks over to where Himchan sat next to the mirror and engaged in a conversation with him. They looked like they were best friends from afar, but they didn't talk about cheerful stuff. No. Junhong kept asking Himchan to give him the key of his apartment. He kept saying he just needs a night off, alone. He stretched out 'alone' making it seem like he was about to jerk of the whole night but in reality he was just going to fuck himself up; destroy what's left of his sane mind.

 

"Fine," Himchan hisses and pulls the key from his pocket pressing it into Junhong’s palm after whispering warnings to him. "Don’t break anything. Don't mess my things up. Don't touch my make-up. Don't touch my chocolate. And for god's sake change the sheets once you're done."

 

I wanted to laugh at them. Himchan was so easy to fool. He never even thought about it.

 

_Why would the boy that never dared to talk about sex with us suddenly ask him to borrow the key to his empty apartment?_

 

Junhong noticed I was staring at them and lifted himself up; crossing the distance between us in few steps and slumped next to me.

 

"Don’t look like I just killed your puppy," he said and hit my shoulder with his nose.

 

The gesture was cute and it made me want to pat his head and kiss his lips hoping all of this is just a nightmare. But it wasn't. And Junhong just made it worse by saying those words to my ear, "you can come and watch if you want to."

 

His lips brushed against the skin on my neck making me shiver. His fingers slowly intertwining into mine pulling us closer.

 

"I love you," he whispered against my neck, hot breath fanning over it.

 

His words made my breath hitch in the back of my throat. My heart started to beat too fast and my fingers started to tremble.

 

"I-I l-love" I tried to say but the words got jammed up in my throat and wouldn't leave.

 

He shushed me and pressed his lips, only briefly, against mine. "I know," he whispered against them, "I know."

 

I half-expected the rest of the group to stare at us with wide eyes and open mouth but when I turned my gaze away from Junhong I saw they were all minding their own business, none of them even noticed.

 

"Junhong," I speak not willing to look at him, "please don't do it."

 

My voice is weak and I’m close to crying but his fingers are still in mine and his head is rested against my shoulder.

 

"You know I can't stop it," he mumbles and trails a few feather-like kisses up my jaw.

 

"Why not?"

 

Breathing in he only lightly tightens his grip on my hand, "because i'm too weak to even try."

 

A single tear rolls down my cheek. All of this has gone too far. I should have never got involved into this. I shouldn't have asked him about this. I shouldn't have been his shoulder to cry on.

 

He wipes away the tear from my cheek and places his palms on them instead.

 

"Everything is going to be alright Yongguk," he persists, "you just need to believe in me. I need you to help me be strong enough to do it." his lips meet mine again, this time though his are moving slowly against mine while I simply stay still. "I need you. Please."

 

He looks like he's about to cry. His eyes are watering and his lips are shaking against mine. I place my palms over his and nod slowly. "I’ll help you," I say in the lowest voice hoping he wouldn't hear. But we were too close and the words reached him quickly.

 

"Thank you," he spoke and pressed another kiss against my lips. To this one I eagerly responded to.

 

-

 

Rest of the day passed slowly. I kept dragging myself from one place to the other not caring about the fact that I looked like someone ran over me, or like I haven't been sleeping for years. I just couldn't think of anything else than Junhong; Junhong taking his life away.

 

For the most part I felt sick about it. I felt my stomach turn and twist and grumble every time I’d see something red in a form of liquid. But there was also the other part of me. The one that couldn't wait the night to fall and Junhong to walk inside Himchan's empty apartment. Though it wouldn't be empty; I’d be sitting there in the dim light of the bedside lamp, waiting.

 

I maybe even ask him to strip for me. It would arouse me to no end. I maybe ask him to sleep with me before he takes the pills.

 

I might even just rape him after he's dead. And that thought scared me because I knew it would feel good.

 

-

 

"You look disorientated," Himchan said hitting my shoulder as we walked up the dorm stairs.

 

The two of us have just come back from the grocery shopping. Himchan made me carry most of the bags again. He said something how his hand hurts from dance practice.

 

"I’m just a bit worried."

 

"Worried about what?" he asks and pulls out the keys of out dorm inserting one inside the keyhole but not twisting it. "It’s Junhong, right?"

 

I nod. I probably look like a mess right now. My eyes are getting watery and my hands are starting to shake.

 

"I’m just scared that he'll-" I try to say but the words don't listen again. My throat is jammed again and I feel the tears fun down my face. "Please, Himchan. I can't-" I sob, throwing the bags onto the ground and bury my face into his neck.

 

Himchan looks terrified. He's trying to soothe me but he's failing miserably. His hands are almost hovering over my back and he's on the verge of crying too.

 

"Go to him," Himchan whispers into my hair. "I don't know what has gotten into him but he's been acting differently around everyone but you. Help him if there's something wrong. I can't stand watching you this broken."

 

Himchan pulls away. His hands are still on my shoulders giving them a few light, supportive, squeezes before he pushes me back to the stairs. "He already left. Go after him, please."

 

And I ran. I ran down the stairs and into the crowded streets. I ran the whole way down the ally to almost get hit by a car when I cross the road. I ran the fastest I can to get to Junhong before he's done anything.

 

Himchan's apartment was some 30 minutes’ walk away from our dorm and Junhong might have been there for a while now. I could never forgive myself if I’m late. I would never forgive myself.

 

After 14 longest minutes of my life I finally reach the building and run inside, catching the elevator right when it was about to close. The elder woman that was in there gave a confused look but didn't ask anything she pressed the button to the top floor and steeped away from me.

 

I waited for her to leave before I pressed the sixth floor's button and hoped I wasn't too late; hoped that Junhong was still breathing somewhere.

 

The doors to Himchan's apartment weren't locked. I pushed them open and walked inside. The smell air freshener hit my nose quickly and I ran to check all the rooms, even the balcony just to make sure Junhong wasn't dead.

 

He was nowhere to be found. The bed was still made and the bathroom looked unused. Though in the kitchen there was a note stuck to the fridge.

 

_'Yongguk hyung, you're here._

_I went out to buy us something to eat. Make yourself comfortable._

_P.S. Could you fill the tub? I want to take a bath when I’m back.'_

 

He signed his name at the bottom of the page and added an 'x' next to it. He didn't even know this was all just going to end up badly.

 

_I’m so sorry Junhong-ah._

 

I take of my coat and my shoes before I walk over to the bathroom and open the faucet letting the hot water hit the ceramic tub. I sit on the edge of it for a moment and observe the water that was slowly filling the tub. All of this could turn red. All of this and I wasn't sure I could stop it.

 

Lost in the trail of thought I miss to hear Junhong walk in. He comes over to the bathroom and taps my shoulder scaring me for a second.

 

"Hi," he says and smiles. A kiss is pressed against my lips for a short moment before he's walking back into the kitchen. "I brought us some food to eat. Hope you're hungry."

 

He sounds too cheerful for a setting like this. I expected him to finish this quickly; expected him to run away from us into a place he could take away his suffering alone, and quickly.

 

I turn the faucet off and walk over to Junhong. He light up every single light in the kitchen and living room. The glow of it making the whole apartment seem less gloomy than it was.

 

"I bought ramyun for you," Junhong says from behind the counter, waving the box of ramyun over his head.

 

"Thanks," I barely whisper and walk over to the younger embracing him. Hands are wrapped tightly around his waist and my head in the crook of his neck, nose pressed against the soft skin.

 

He giggles at the gesture and places his arms over mine. He strokes them a few times before he twists in my arms and looks me in the eyes. "I love you," he says again and presses a kiss to my neck; his height being a beautiful advantage in this position.

 

 

I kiss his lips softly and murmur against them, "I love you so much," before I pull him in for a deeper, stronger kiss.

 

His hands are quick to wrap around my neck, his legs are wrapping around my waist as I push him up onto the counter. He moans out when my thigh brushes against his crotch. I repeat the action over and over hoping to drown myself in his soft mewls that sounded much like my name.

 

"I love you," he whispers out again and takes my cheeks between his palms. "I love you; Bang Yongguk, more than I love anything."

 

His words are quiet. He's trying to catch his breath when I lift his chin up and glare at him. "Then why are you leaving me alone?"

 

I don't fight the tears that fall down my face for a hundredth time today. "Why are you hurting me like this then?"

 

He doesn't say anything. He keeps quiet kissing away the tears from my face. He keeps pressing his lips against my skin, tasting the salty tears. He keeps on hurting me unintentionally.

 

"Let’s eat first." he ruins the moment and jumps off the counter. I can see he's on the verge of crying. He's not strong enough, he isn't.

 

-

 

We dine in silence. Junhong tries to engage a conversation but he fails to do so. He tries to talk about regular stuff; keeps asking me if I want to do something else.

 

"Stop looking at me like this," he snaps, "this is as hard form me as it is for you." tears fall from the corners of his eyes and he quickly tries to wipe them away. He wanted to appear strong.

 

"I’m sorry," I mumble and bow my head.

 

He pulls his chair back closer to the table and opts to grab my hand. "Let’s make most of this night. Let's not fight just for tonight. I want to feel loved tonight. It's all that I have left." he says through tears his fingers gently stroking mine. "Please."

 

 

 

And we do. I carry Junhong to the bathroom and undress him, caressing every single part of his skin; every scar every blemish. He enjoys it and doesn't hide that. He enjoys the way my fingers trace out his scars when we sit in the bathtub, him in my lap and my body tightly wrapped around his like a cocoon.

 

"I love you," I whisper and press a kiss at the back of his neck.

 

He says it back but with so much more emotion. He gives all of his into just saying those three words.

 

We don't stay in the bath for a long time. He asks me to make love to him and I lift us up, wrap a towel around our bodies and walk over to the bed.

 

Junhong sits at the edge of it and waits for me to step between his legs to kiss his forehead and lower him onto the bed. Kiss my way down his neck to his chest and abdomen. Take his member into my mouth and suck on it briefly before he comes long and hard at the back of my throat.

 

He's been waiting for this for so long and I wanted it to mean something. I wanted it to be the most memorable thing in his life; even if it was the last.

 

His fingers tangled into my hair as I kissed his neck and his jaw. His legs bend upwards, toes curling up into the sheets that were splayed besides us.

 

"Please," he breathed out and lifted his hips creating the long needed friction between us.

 

My fingers traced between our bodies and I took both of out shafts into my palm tugging onto them a few times just to make them harden enough.

 

He pushed a clear tube into my other palm and lifted his legs even more, hooking his arms behind his knees and lifting his legs up giving me the perfect view of his puckering hole.

 

I took my time preparing him. Fingers moved lazily against his entrance for a while before I pushed one digit inside and waited for Junhong to get used to the feeling of it.

 

He nagged me to continue quickly. His head fell back as I pushed the second finger in and stretched them around trying to loosen up the muscles. He licked his lips and bit harshly onto his the bottom one when my fingers brushed against his sweet spot.

 

"Yongguk-ah," he moaned out and grind himself into my fingers.

 

I couldn't help but admire the sight before me. His chest heaving up and down; scars stretching out, half blending with the unblemished skin. I kissed up the biggest scar on his chest and bit softly onto the skin in my mouth. Junhong yelled at the sensation. his back arched and his head fell even further back, groans leaving his mouth louder with every tug onto the skin.

 

"More," he stutters out and reaches down to pull at my hair. "Please, more."

 

And I give him more. The third fingers slips into his hole and my other hand wraps around his leaking member tugging at it in the slowest pace possible.

 

He’s close to release again and I fasten my pace until he's comes over my hand and over his chest. He’s breathing deeply, trying to regain his senses but I don't allow it.

 

He’s still over sensitive when I push myself into him. He yells out and grabs my biceps, fingers bury themselves deep into my skin draining blood. I rock softly against him for a few minutes. he still isn't able to think properly, his eyes are clouded and his breathing is heavy.

 

I fasten my pace when it all gets to slow for me. Rocking into him I hear him yell out my name again. His fingers are in my hair, tugging at it; plucking the hair out.

 

"Kiss me," he says in between the moans and I lower myself down closer taking his lips into mine.

 

The kiss is sloppy and wet but neither of us cares. We’re too intoxicated by one another's body, smell, and taste to notice anything.

 

"Yongguk," Junhong yells out and shoots his load over out chests. He falls against the mattress, body limp; he's passed out, but I continue to thrust myself into him, deeper and deeper each time. His muscles are clenching against my member and I soon shoot my load inside him.

 

Collapsing over him I whisper "I love you," to him before I pull out and lie next to him, sleep soon taking over my body. 


	5. Gone

 

When the next morning rolled around I thought of it as one of the best ones in a while.

 

I was awoken by a light kiss pressed against the corner of my lips and a soft giggle form Junhong. It felt as if nothing had happened yesterday, as if he was the same bubbly boy I met years ago. His mask looked convincing, honestly it did, but his eyes were giving him away when he thought I wasn’t looking.

 

“I made breakfast,” he shyly informed pressing down another kiss at the bridge of my nose, “I wanted to…” he stopped.

 

Reaching out for him I hold him in place while his eyes look down at my chest. He was hiding something, again.

 

“Junhong,” I call for his attention, trying to sound as soft and sweet as I can with this cavemen voice, “you know you can tell me everything. What is it?”

 

He takes a moment to answer back.

 

He breathes in, looks up at me with his childish brown eyes, staring directly into my soul. Fingers move their way up my arm to rest at the nape of my neck.

 

 “I wanted to… thank you, hyung.”

 

His eyes fall on mine again, and the look he’s giving me says just how much he’s lying. His eyes give him out and I know there is something bad going on and as much as I don’t want things to go this way I still end up kissing him back once he’s close enough to my lips.

 

I know I shouldn’t have.  But at that moment I didn’t know how to stop. I didn’t know when to stop.

 

Before we both realised, I had Junhong pinned beneath me, buried deep between my sheets, legs spread on my sides. His head fell back once I moved my lips from his and proceeded to press them against his jaw and the expanse of skin on his neck.

 

His lips stretched in a smile and his fingers tangled themselves in my hair as my lips left a trail of butterfly kisses over his neck.

 

"We shouldn't," he said weakly just as I was about to pull his shirt over his head.

 

Lifting myself up I try my best to pout. "Why?"

 

He giggles. "Hyungs are in the kitchen. And we have things to do today."

 

It always sounds so perfect from him. And maybe to him it is perfect. All those distractions make him less worried about how people will see him and he doesn't have to always worry about will his shirt roll up too much and reveal his scars. He just has to be there, present with his body and his mind and smile at people, acting perfect.

 

Sometimes I hated how good of an actor he was. He could get out of trouble all the fucking time. He could just battle those eyelashes of his and he'd get anything he needed.

 

“When did they arrive?” I ask and lift my head up from his when the sound of plates clinking and cutlery falling on the floor fills the room beside ours.

 

“You damn idiot,” Himchan squeaks and there is a dull hit following his words, “that’s silver.”

 

"Come on, hyung. Let’s go eat something." Junhong drags me out of the bed, leaving me still shirtless.

 

The kitchen was lively again. Daehyun and Jongup and Himchan were eating while Youngjae still had his face up in the steaming pans.

 

Youngjae and Jongup seemed to be immersed into a deep conversation about a movie they were planning to see next week.

 

Himchan though was quiet, too quiet. He would usually use this time in the morning to give speeches titled _'How to act in public'_ or _'How not to get Kim Himchan, the visual, in trouble while you're acting like kids in public.’_ (Himchan and I decided, somewhere along the way of becoming idols, that he would be the one who would face the ‘authorities’ if anyone did anything that could harm us.)  But there was nothing today. He just sat at the table half-heatedly eating his breakfast.

 

"You ok Himchan?" I ask once I sit at the table and grab something to eat. Form the corner of my eye I see Junhong looking over at us suspiciously.

 

_Did he have something to do with this?_

 

Himchan waved his chopsticks in front of himself and shrugged. "Yeah, I’m just tired, that's all."

 

He sounded lifeless, like he just lost his will to live and that wasn't Himchan I knew. No, Himchan was the one who wanted to live every second of his life to the fullest. As much as he nagged us to be as perfect as we can he always did his best to use his time well and to do what he had in plan. 

 

I would think of it as something that bothered Himchan if there wasn't for a sigh of relief form Junhong’s side. That kid did something again and it wasn't a good deed.

 

-

 

I didn't want to get inside of it, so I didn't. I left the two to deal with their own problems for once and decided to just focus on today's schedule.

 

It was nice not worrying about anyone. There wasn't any pressure to finish things as fast as possible; there wasn't that annoying voice in my head telling me to check on anyone. It felt nice to be without worries for once.

 

I would have kept ignoring them the whole day if they just stopped bickering. Every time they thought no one was looking Himchan would get closer to Junhong and would start telling him something, and it wasn't nice. Himchan looked angry, he looked almost desperate to talk to Junhong, but the younger would just put his hands on Himchan’s shoulder and say something that sounded much like, _"Don't worry, hyung. It won’t hurt."_

 

I tried to confront them when we reached the dorm once more but they both tried to slip out of my grip by saying they were too tired to talk and that they just wanted to take a bath and go to bed.

 

-

 

"Are you sure hyung?" Jongup asked once he put his coat on.

 

"We might be able to help," Youngjae added.

 

Somewhere in the half an hour we were at our dorm I have persuaded the trio – Daehyun, Youngjae and Jongup – to go out to eat, just so I could have a private chat with Himchan and Junhong. It wasn’t the best plan, but I didn’t know what else to do. I only knew that Junhong wouldn’t like the others to know about all the things he did to himself and Himchan seemed to know something.

 

"I’m sure Jongup." I patted his shoulder pushing him out slightly. "I just want to do this on my own. It's better that way."

 

Neither Jongup nor Youngjae looked convinced, but Daehyun was already jumping in place at the bottom of the stairs calling for them and saying they should hurry and eat already. 

 

"I’m hungry you idiots," he yelled up to the two, "Drag your asses down or I’m leaving on my own."

 

It wasn't an empty threat. Daehyun had left us to eat before and this time it wouldn't be any different if the two didn't get down.

 

"Go, he's going to leave you," I tried to push them but they stood firmly. It was hard for me to do this but I didn't have any other choice. I had to talk to the two now or never and I couldn't risk spilling out Junhong’s secret.

 

Youngjae sighed and pulled the zipper of his jacked up. "But call us if there's trouble."

 

"I will," I reassured and watched as he smiled weakly at me before turning around to walk down the stairs to the noisy and impatient Daehyun.

 

Once the doors behind me closed I sighed and rested my back against them. The water in the bathroom was still running so it meant one of them was still in. I dragged my feet through the small hall to the sofa and threw myself on to it. I’m going to need a lot of strength for this conversation. With both of them being so stubborn I’ve already started dreading the day I’ve gotten myself into this.

 

“Himchan,” Junhong yells from the bathroom and a pair of feet start to shuffle in the bedroom (god damn those thin walls), “where did you put it?”

 

His question is unclear but apparently Himchan knows just what the younger is talking about because he walks out of the bedroom and into the kitchen, not even noticing me, takes out a weird looking bottle from the back of the cupboard and walks over to the bathroom doors. He knocks on them three times; the knocks are shy and silent. He seems scared.

 

Junhong unlocks the doors and let’s Himchan slip inside. From my position on the sofa I can’t see anything else, but I can still hear their whispering.

 

“He’ll be mad,” Himchan says.

 

Junhong breathes in, deeply, and releases it after a moment. “I know, but I just can’t..,” he stops, breaths in again. “All of this was just one big mistake. Not just Yongguk, but all of this. I never should have applied for TS; I never should have signed that fucking contract. I never should have left Mokpo.”

 

There is a sound of paper shuffling and Junhong’s words soon follow it. “Give this to him, tell him that I-” He’s crying, I can hear it from here, but yet I do nothing. I just stand behind the doors of the bathroom and let the tears slip down my face. I let him do _it._ Just to make myself feel guiltier. Just to make myself feel something more for him, not for his body.

 

“When?” Himchan asks, his voice cracking at the end and a single whimper escapes his lips.

 

“Tonight,” Junhong replies and now Himchan can’t help but sob and Junhong must have hugged him because his sobs have gotten muffed by something.

 

The pressure of knowing soon knocks me down too, but I still manage to lift myself from the floor and leave the dorm. I leave to the roof, hoping the fresh air will knock some senses into me and I’ll go downstairs to shake Junhong up and stop him from what he’s planning to do.

 

I take my time thinking about all that I could tell him to keep him alive. I could finally pour my heart to him and tell him that I love him. I could… still I never leave the roof.

 

But instead he comes to me. The doors behind me open and he walks onto the roof, a plastic bottle between his fingers, uncapped, empty.

 

“J-Junhong-ah,” I whimper out and rush to his side. He’s shaking and his eyes can’t focus. Blood is spilling down his lips as he coughs out trying to take in the obviously needed air.  

 

“Junhong, what is happening?”

 

He smiles at me, smiles and reaches out to touch my face. “I’ll be happy, Yongguk. I’ll be hap--” he never finishes the sentence. A gush of blood spills down his mouth again and he collapses onto my hands.

 

He can’t breathe. He can’t keep himself up and I can’t look at him. Placing him onto the floor I pull my phone from my pocket and dial the ambulance’s number. They keep on asking me stupid questions.

 

“He’s dying, please,” I manage to mutter at the end and the woman at the other side finally says that help is on the way.

 

But Junhong is too far already. His eyes are hazy and blood keeps on pouring from his lips. I’m helpless; there is nothing I can possibly do to save him anymore.

 

So instead of trying to save him, I pick him up in my hands and press my lips at his forehead.

 

“I have to confess something to you,” I start; his body is still shaking in my hands and the blood starts to wet my shirt, “I have been having a secret obsession with your scars. I found them… interesting. I found them to be the most beautiful thing in the world. But I was too scared to tell you about it. I was scared you’ll think of me as someone with mental illnesses, so I kept quiet and kept savouring very moment I got to see them, got to touch them, kiss them.”

 

His body is shaking less and less and he stops puking blood.

 

“I fell in love with them, Junhong-ah, I fell in love with the thought of having your body in mine, over mine, whenever I liked.  I fell in love with your scares more than I fell in love with you, and I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t have let myself do that. I shouldn’t have…”

 

He stops moving completely. His body, limp in my hands, feels like deadweight, and – funny thing is – it actually isn’t anything else than that, deadweight.

 

When I hear his last heartbeat I press another kiss at his forehead and close his eyes. “I love- loved you.” Escapes my lips and then they take him from my arms and leave me alone in the cold night.

 

I don’t remember much of that night either. I curled myself into a ball and cried my eyes, my soul out in the cold wind. I called for Junhong so many times and waited from him to come and press himself against me, whisper _“You’re so warm, hyung,_ ” against my neck and continue to cuddle against me, but it never does happen. Junhong never comes.

 

Instead the following morning, Himchan climbs up the stairs to the roof and picks me up, tells me to wake up.

 

He looks, to say the least, horrible. His eyes are red and puffy, circles around them are dark and deep and his whole body shakes.  He kneels beside me and lets his ass hit his heels. He cries beside me. Cries like I’ve never seen him cry. He screams and shouts and throws his hands around.

 

“Hyung,” Jongup yells from the doors, tears are streaming down his face and he rushes into Himchan’s hands. He lifts the elder up and tries his best to soothe him, at least to stop him hitting everything around him.

 

Youngjae looks over at me, his eyes are watering but he isn’t crying. Instead he stands still and allows Daehyun to cry on his shoulder while he strokes his back and whispers soft nothings into his ear.

 

No one speaks of the blood stain on my shirt when I walk past them and leave the building. No one questions me when I disappear for a week and only show up on the funeral. No one asks me anything. They know, they’ve read the letter that Junhong left me. They know it…

 

They know I’m as dead as Junhong is. 


	6. Loved

 

 

_"Hello Yongguk hyung, it's Junhong._

_I have been thinking about how to put this into words for a while now. I was trying to write you a song, but I feel a lot more comfortable like this. (I hope you don't mind.)_

_I wanted to inform you through this letter –  that I am writing on the night we were alone in Himchan's apartment – that I won't need you anymore. I have finally managed to find what I needed and am going to leave tomorrow, or if you like, have already left (since you'll be reading this when I'm already gone)._

_Between us there was a connection, unexplainable one, but still a connection. I have managed to cherish it; I have managed to hold it close to my heart and it alone was the reason I'm only doing this now and not before._

_I've told you before that your touch makes me feel safe, secure. I told you that your voice makes me feel warm and makes me content. I told you all of this, but I never told you that your lips make me feel alive. I have never told you that whenever you'd press your lips against my skin I would feel tingles fun down my spine and would make my head spin so fast I sometimes felt like I was losing the ground under my feet. It felt magical._

_I'm not sure if the feeling was mutual. (I guess now I'll never know but I hope it was.) No, I'll die thinking it was._

_But there is also one more thing I feel like confessing to you. Do you remember last night when you finally claimed me as yours and the night at the dorm when we were alone and you kissed up all of my scars? Do you remember that night when I sneaked to your bed and kissed you out of nowhere? And do you remember what I whispered against your lips when you fell asleep that night?_

_I'm sure you don't so I'm going to write it down here._

_Bang Yongguk, you have been a light in my life I regret meeting so late. You have been the only person I looked forward to seeing when I'd open my eyes every morning. And you have also been the person I dreamt at night when I’d close my eyes._

_I've been feeling like this for a longer time than you probably did. I remember jacking of to you a couple of times during our 'Bang &Zelo' promotions. You almost caught me once actually. _

_I've felt like this since we debuted as a group, not as a pair because, honestly speaking, I thought I only wanted to be like you, not be with you. (Please don't laugh at this, I ~~am~~ was a weird child.)_

_But you only started to pay attention to me after that one time we showered together. I'll remember that shower forever. I remember making you laugh then. You sang with me naked under running water as if it was the most natural thing to do. Thank you for that._

_I noticed you check me out then. But I didn't see a problem in it. I felt proud to have you look at me like that; I felt wanted for the first time in my life. And ever since then I wanted you to look at me like that. But I relapsed. I made a mistake I'm paying a big price for. You seemed like a prince on a white horse that afternoon. Dashing through the doors to my rescue; you were my saviour, you are my saviour._

_And every time after that when I'd find myself on the bathroom floor with the blade in my hands, fingers gripping at it, I'd remember you and would leave the bathroom to look for you and to hold you close because the sound of your heart beating was something I needed so badly and you were always just so warm that I was never able to pull myself away quickly._

_But sometimes you weren't near. Sometimes you'd go out to grocery shopping with Youngjae, or would go to a bar with Himchan and would leave me all alone. Those times I reached for the alternative. I reached up for the blade because I didn't know better._

_I never told you this, but Himchan once walked in and found me cleaning up the mess I've done. He wanted to help but I only wanted, needed, you. He wasn't as good as you. So instead of using him as a distraction from all the pain I felt I made him buy me some drugs. I made him buy me drugs with his own money, promising I'll pay him back and that I won't use them too much._

_'I just need a bit to escape these heretic schedules.' I once told him. He trusted me. He was so naive that in only a week he was able to get me in contact with a dealer that worked in our neighbourhood. He offered me heroin and cocaine, but I refused those and instead asked him to bring me some quick working poison, I didn’t care which one, just that it was a deadly one. And he did. In only month time I had the murder weapon ready._

_But you became an obstacle. You became something I started to crave for. You were the only thing that separated me from the pills I had._

_That night in Himchan's apartment was the only night I've ever felt alive. When you'd touch me I felt like I was the most precious thing ever made; I felt like I was important._

_You'd kiss me and you'd touch me in the gentlest way you could. And you wouldn't flinch at the feeling of my scars beneath your lips and your fingers. You wouldn't look away from them. That is something I love about you. You loved me and my scars._

_You loved the whole me. And I'm thankful for that because you're the first person I've ever told my whole story, and the only one I ever wanted to care._

_To conclude this letter I just want to add that I’ll always be there for you Yongguk hyung. I’ll always be near you when you need me, just call me by my name and I’ll run quickly to you; I will hold your hand and whisper to your ear and night so you’re not alone. But most of all I’ll tell you every night before you fall asleep and every morning when you open your eyes just how much I love you._

_P.S. I have recorded something for you. You'll find it on your phone under the name 'With love'. I hope you enjoy it."_

 

\---

 

Folding the paper back into its original state I reach for my pocket and pull out my phone. Searching through random files I stumble across a video file named ‘with love’ and with shaky fingers press the play button.

 

On the screen Junhong’s face appeared and he soon moved away, sat on the chair and pulled my guitar in his lap. He only knew how to play a few notes, but he managed to write a song only using them.

 

He sang to me, sang a song he previously wrote saying he’ll like it to appear on one of ours future albums. He also said he’d love me to hear it before anyone else does, but we never found the time to do it.

 

Yet there he was, on the screen with his shirt off, displaying all of his scars, playing me a love song.

 

Perfection, that was all that I ever thought about Junhong. The only adjective I could pair with him was perfect. Everything he ever did was perfect; his whole being was perfect.

 

 

_“Because maybe I’ll only,_

_Love you for tonight._

_Maybe I’ll only,_

_Hold you close tonight._

_But never underestimate_

_The power of my love,_

_Because I’ve never done this,_

_Ever before,_

_And I only want to,_

_Be in love with you. “_

 

 

The song ended and he smiled at the camera. His smile was warm and he smiled widely, dimples on his cheeks showing.

 

“I hope you like it hyung, I tried my best,” he says and smiles again, scratches his neck before turns off the camera.

 

Just when his finger is about to press the button on the camera that has been recording him for the past five minutes while he sang, he stops when only his lips are in the shot and whispers, “I’ll never love anyone else than you, Yongguk hyung.”

 

The recording stops, and so does everything around me. The swing I have been sitting on stops moving and the leaves that fell around me freeze in the air.

 

“I’ll never love anyone else than you, Junhong-ah,” I whisper to the phone as I play the recording again, and again, and again, until I’m in the freezing cold and I can no longer breathe.

 

 

 

**END.**


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